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The Cake is a Lie

February 2010

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The Cake is a Lie

Conversation Hearts: A Rant

I have always loved the idea of conversation hearts.  What  a fun way to flirt!  Pass along some sweet nothings on a cushion of sweetness.

But the reality of the matter is: Conversation Hearts Suck. 

I know they like to keep them cheap, but seriously, how much would it cost to have some quality control?  Less than half the little messages are clear or even centered.  And many of the messages are just inane.  Finally, it seems they got rid of "FAX ME."  Fax me.  Seriously? 

And taste is important.  For the longest time, the leading brand of conversation hearts had white ones that were a nasty peppermintish flavor.  Does anyone actually like that flavor?  (Apparently someone does.)  The pink may be worse, though.

Now, this same brand seems to be under new management this year.  Whereas in the past, the packages had lots of clear plastic where you could inspect the candies and choose the one with the most clear messages (or the fewest white hearts!) now the bags are all opaque.  I guess they were tired of people inspecting the merchandise, which wouldn't be necessary if they didn't have so many screw-ups per bag.

Well, annoyed as I was at the lack of transparency, I went ahead and bought them anyway.  Apparently, they've made other changes as well.  While the messages are still as off center and illegible and silly as always ("Tweet Me?"  And what does "My Boo" mean?)  they've done away with white hearts and added blue ones!  The flavors are more intense and tart than usual as well.  Not exactly an improvement, alas.  (blech!)  But they are a little softer, which is nice.

I will take my lot for now and dream of a day when there are legible, tasty confections of affection.  Imagine if they tasted like butter-cream mints.  Oooo....

Until then, here's a funny article about conversation hearts.